


With love from halcyon

by vonfeist



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Homeless, Drug Addiction, Drug Withdrawal, F/F, Fish - the super dog, Homelessness, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Minor Costia/Lexa, POV Lexa, Past Finn Collins/Clarke Griffin, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2019-02-28 09:33:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13268646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vonfeist/pseuds/vonfeist
Summary: "Not until we are lost do we begin to find ourselves again." - Thoreau.You've been lost for so long, you can't remember how life was when you knew who you were. It is nothing but a shadow looming over you, you are only a figment of what you used to be. Now you are the girl that sits opposite the coffee shop with your dog, you have no name, no identity, not for the people who drop coins into your paper cup. Only the blonde angel working there seems to see you, seems to take notice that deep inside you there's more than a homeless girl looking for her next meal.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Actually that was supposed to be a Christmas fic but it had its own mind.  
> A lot of drug use mentions, 
> 
> Apart from that, it's my first time writing in the 2nd person perspective and I kind of like it. Let me know what you think in the comments.

_"Some of you, we all know, are poor, find it hard to live, are sometimes, as it were, gasping for breath." - Henry Thoreau (Walden)_

With heavy steps you reach your usual spot, a place next to a supermarket, where you softly drop to your knees and place a small, somewhat square, cardboard in front of you, curtesy of Gustus. You know he needs it just as much as you do these days but he told you it was the only thing he could do and you obliged.

And now it's the only thing that separates you from getting wet. Behind you, you hear the soft shuffle of paws against the snow, hear the pants of a dog and not a second later you feel a wet nose pressing against your face.

"Wait Fish, give me another second.", you scold the dirty brownish dog that stands next to you, wagging his tail. He looks at you with his round brown eyes and you smile at him, your only sunshine in this world, before he turns around, pressing his cold nose against the snow, following something you can't see.

Once the cardboard is properly pressed into the scarce snow, you turn around to your plastic bag and pull out a bedroll which you neatly position onto of the cardboard. Then you sit on it, your legs bent closely to your body. It's the only way to keep the warmth close to you, apart from Fish, and throw the bedroll around them.

With your left hand you angle for the cup you stored in your pocket and you pull it out, only to place it right in front of you. Hopefully people will be a bit more generous today, the last few days you didn't even get a few coins to buy you something to eat. Gladly you aren't alone, Anya and Gus are the family you need out here, without them you wouldn't have made it that far.

"Fish.", you call out and the brown, cuddly giant comes back to you, his whole-body wiggling. He sits closely next to you, his soft nose once again pressing against you, this time it's your arm. It's his way of showing you his affection. You pat his head softly and he leans in to lick your face. With a soft smile you push him away affectionately. Enough for him to settle close to you, his warm body pressed at your site.

 

People walk past you but most don't even see you. Some stare at your dirty dog, deem you a bad person for putting an animal through this sort of life and go on. You feel it once they look at you, full of disgust but you don't care, not anymore.

 

You heave a soft sigh before pulling your beanie closer into your face, your tangled curls almost hidden completely by it, your red scarf, a present of the old lady that had lived down the road, hides the rest of your face. You are glad you have it but at the same time you wonder what happened to Indra. She'd visited you in the early morning hours when she had walked Bruce, a massive English bulldog, but since a few weeks she disappeared. You miss her as much as Fish misses his playdate with Bruce.

You hear the clink of a few coins and look up to be met by a small boy with brown hair. His smile is huge, showing the gap between his front teeth. "Good morning, Aden.", you greet the boy and he leans down to pat Fish's head.

"Mornin', Lexa.", he mumbles, clearly not interested in talking to you. It's Fish he loves. Since the very first time he saw you sitting at the corner, he came over. He had told you about his dog, a black one. It took you a few weeks to find out that his dog wasn't alive anymore, that he came over to you because he still missed his dog. That was 3 months ago.

"Fish has been waiting for you all morning.", you inform him, just because you know it makes him happy. "Are you going to take him for a walk later today?", you ask when Aden gets up, looking over to the bus station. In a few minutes, you know this like clockwork, his school bus will come to pick him up. "I can't. School project.", he mumbles sourly before he skips over to the bus stop. You smile at him and get a smile in return, then you watch him get in the bus. Your daily routine. You wonder where his mother is and why she doesn't bring him over to the station. You wonder if he doesn't want to be accompanied to it because he knows his parents wouldn't let him talk to you.

The other day he came over with his father, an average looking guy with dark curls, he had disdained you the moment he saw you. You watched how he explained to Aden that he shouldn't talk to you, that you were dirty, dangerous even, the scum of society. It didn't change Aden coming over to you but he wasn't all smiley faces anymore, wasn't talking to you more than necessary. You feel sad that he's already learning to distinguish between scum and 'better' people at this young age. But there is nothing you can do.

Once Aden is gone, nothing happens for quite some time. You feel the cold creeping into your bones, your body heat barely fighting the cold. It's freezing and you know that you need to go into the supermarket soon, even if it's just to warm up a little bit.

"Your daily morning tea.", you hear a kind voice say and look up to be faced by your angel. You pull your scarf down a bit, revealing the smile that curls around your lips. "You know, you don't have to do that.", you hear yourself say, even if you need this tea to warm up a little again. She just shakes her head, you can't see her smile, hidden by her scarf, but you know it's there. You can see it in the crinkle of her eyes.

"I know but you look cold, so take it." You nod, no strength to fight her anyway, and take the cup of steaming tea. You take a small sip and you feel your senses heightened already. This black tea will do you good. It will warm you, at least for a few minutes.

The woman in front of you kneels down and Fish looks up when her hand touches his head, he licks it softly and elicits a soft giggle from her. Another morning routine for Fish and you. She looks up at you again with her soft blue eyes. "You'll be here later?", she asks, even though she knows you will be and you nod. "Yes, like every day."

You want to say her name but she never introduced herself. You just saw it on her nametag the other day. It's Clarke and you want to tell her your name so badly in return but you don't know how. You've never made any friends while you lived here, not with strangers and you fear once you get personal, once you initiate a talk that's about more than coffee and tea, she'll stray away from you.

"So, I'll bring you a tea later or rather a grog?", the other day she brought you one, it kept you much warmer than the tea had, but you don't want to be fussy, "You don't have to bring me anything.", you say instead and she smiles again. "The grog it is." It always seems like she can read you, one way or another.

She then gets up from her spot in front of Fish and dusts her clothing a bit, straightens the garment. "See you later.", she calls out and you nod at her, she waves at you until she has crossed the street. You watch her as she opens the door to the coffee shop and is greeted by a brunette colleague. You know her as well, you've watched the two of them interact more than you want to confess.

It's only now that you realize Clarke has put down some food for Fish which he gobbles down quickly. You are thankful for this gift from Clarke, that means the few coins you might get, can be spent for your food. One you need desperately because you usually get food for Fish first.

A few hours pass by and you have the feeling that some parts of your body are too cold to be moved, your cup of tea already in your system, there is nothing else to keep you warm.

You watch Gustus walking around the corner, his face pale, his beard grey and full of dirt. He told you the other day that he hates that his beard turns grey and he also told you that it's not because he's getting old but because it's so cold. He calls it his camouflage beard.

If you are honest you envy him a little. The scarf you have is warm, even though there are many holes in it already, but you assume a beard would be warmer. "Hey Lex, how's it going?", he asks you before he drops down next to you. He takes your old cup of coffee and looks into it. A few people deemed you worthy today. If you are lucky you'll have two dollars in there. Gustus whistles. "That's a fortune."

You look at him and scoff. "As if. Thankfully Christmas will come around soon, people are much more generous those day." It's only a few weeks until then but the cold already eats you alive and you are not sure if you'll make it until then. You still don't know how you survived your first year on the street. If it wouldn't have been for Gustus and Anya you wouldn't have made it.

"Hopefully. We all need something to eat that's more than an old piece of bread." You nod, yes, the old bread from the bakery kept you alive but only barely. Plus, containers don't offer much these days as well, vegetables are usually frozen already and so is other edible food. It surely is a struggle. You know that you need to go to the serving counter soon again. "Oh, I see Clarke was here again?", he says, his rough hand, softly caressing Fish. "Yeah, brought me tea.", you reach for the cup of coffee next to you and hold it up for him to see. He knows you have taken a liking to her.

She only comes here recently. If your count is correct, and you are pretty sure it is, you'll never forget a day with Clarke, she's been here for two months. You don't know what she did before the coffee shop but the second time you saw her she brought you coffee. First, she had just put it down quietly, along with a few coins, a few days later she had actually talked to you. Not much but enough to make you look forward to seeing her again.

"It's good, we all need a little warmth these days.", he says, looking over to the coffee shop. You see Clarke there, talking to a customer. She laughs, throwing her head back fully and she seems happy and you wish you could be the source of that. Even if you know you'd never have a chance, you can't give her anything, apart from a spot next to you on the street.

After some moments of silence and a few pass-byers who drop some coins, Gustus stretches slightly next to you. "Anya told me there will be volunteers at the train station giving out some clothing for the winter." He tells you and you smile at him. "We should go, my jacket got too many holes already." You pull at your brown jacket, revealing that the zipper is broken, you hope they have something your size but as you haven't eaten much lately there isn't probably anything that won't fit you.

"When?", you ask and Gustus slowly gets up to his feet. He looks down at you. "Tonight, around eight I think.", he checks his watch but you know it stopped working a few months back and you remember how inconsolable Gustus was because of that. You never asked why but you've seen him look at a picture once in a while and you know how it feels to lose the only connection to your family in a blink of an eye.

But instead of asking Gustus, you nod again. "Great. See you tonight then?", he asks as he gets up from the spot next to you and dusts of his clothes. A futile effort. "Yeah."

You watch Gustus cross the street and round the corner far quicker that you'd have liked and sigh. Then you pick up the coffee cup, empty the money into your hand and stow in into the pocket of your jacket before placing the cup in front of you again.

Fish makes himself comfortable on our lap and the two of you stay, staring longingly into the coffee shop across the street. Sometimes you wish you'd have a life like that, working in a small shop, chatting the day away with customers.

With another sigh you reach out for your plastic bag and fish out a worn copy of Walden, a book you've read more times than you can actually count. It speaks to you in a way you can't really describe. It was a birthday present from halcyon. A reminder of a time long past.

_

The day passes by quickly, you merely have time to eat the left-over burrito a guy gave you, and soon enough the temperatures reach a freezing point, make you shiver when you get up from your spot.

You whistle lowly and Fish looks up to you. He gets up from the floor, shakes the snow off his fur and wiggles with his tail. You proceed picking up your belongings, stuff them into the tiny plastic bag and shoulder it.

As you pass the coffee shop you stop for a second, only to watch Clarke who sweeps the floor, her ponytail loosely over her shoulder, her movement vibrant. She looks beautiful and you want nothing more than to go inside and talk to her. But you can't. You are a homeless and Clarke is way out of your league.

The walk over to the station takes you twenty minutes. You find Anya already standing in front of it. Her hands covered in a red pair of gloves, her dark green beanie pulled down deeply into her face while a scarf hangs loose around her shoulders. Her winter jacket seems new, if anything you own can be described as new in any way, her pants still the same old blue jeans she wears since weeks. She doesn't reek of alcohol and dirt anymore which means she was at the shelter and showered. You ache for that. You don't even want to know what people think when you stand in front of them, reeking of the streets and all that comes with it.

"Hey Anya.", you greet her and she looks up from the piece of paper she's holding in her hand. She smiles at you and you return that sentiment. "Hey Lex, how are holding up? Haven't seen you for a few days.", she's right. As far as you know Anya got a spot in the homeless shelter this winter. She hates it there, tells you once in a while that everyone tries to steal her stuff, emphasis on trying. She also tells you about the staff that frequently hits on her, offers her a night at their private homes. You shudder when you think about that. But still, even if Anya complains much, they have showers and a warm bed. It's all she needs.

"Doing alright, people don't give much but I've got Gustus, so we manage.", you tell her and she pulls you in a tight hug. A moment later Fish wedges between you two, already begging for attention. Anya laughs at that, pats his head and looks at you fondly. You are her sister, not by blood, but by memories and experiences. You saved her when she was still a drug addict, helped her to get a supervisor. She's doing good but is still taking replacement drugs. Not unlike you. "How's life in the shelter?", you want to know, because you can never enter one again.

You've been there, months ago, when your life hadn't been colourless, when you actually thought you would end up somewhere decent, that life on the street wasn't meant to be forever. But then your light had been stolen away by death and so you had lost your hope. Since then you haven't entered a shelter anymore. You can't. Too many memories you are not ready to face yet.

"Amazing.", Anya rolls her eyes and you know she still hates it, despite saying otherwise. "But it's warm you know." You nod, yeah, you understand and you remember. "Anyway, our supervisor told me you haven't been to the appointment the other day, he asked me if I knew where you have been." Anya looks concerned and you know she won't leave you alone until you tell her the truth. "Yeah, haven't had the time." You shrug, a clear sign that you don't want to talk about it. Anya sighs and you shrug again. You two have never been good at communication but you never stop trying. You both need it, the concern of the other one. You would be lost without it. "I'll go to my next, I promise."

Anya knows you won't or that the likelihood is almost non-existent but it's still a start. You look at her with a smile reserved only for her and Anya takes that as a cue to move on from the topic. She puts her arm around you and leads you to the door. "They have amazing clothes in there and you surely need a new jacket." She pulls at a hole of your jacket and it rips open a little bit more. You give her a jab into her rips and she smiles at you.

"Fish.", you look over your shoulder and the brown dog comes to a stop next to you. You lean down, softly, squish his head between your hands and kiss his forehead. "Behave, okay?", Fish looks at you with his brown eyes before he gives your hand a lick. You ruffle over his head once more before you walk over to the door where Anya already waits for you, Fish hot on your heels.

_

The train station is bustling with people, everyone is moving around quickly, chatting animatedly and you follow Anya over to a table with dog supplies. "Hey Murph.", she calls out and a brunette guy turns around, his dog Silver, a jack russell mix, excitedly rushes over to Fish. The two of them dance around one another, sniffing their noses, their butts and greet one another with a playful jump. "Fish.", you call out before your bear of a dog decides to play in this crowded place. It works, he looks up and walks over to you, Silver right next to him.

"Oh, hey Anya.", he greets and the two of them grab their forearms as a sign of a greeting. "And hey Lex, here for the dog supplies?", he asks you and rummages through a huge brown box. "I've got some stuff stowed away for Fish.", he turns over to you, a hint of a smile on his lips. He doesn't seem inviting but he cares a lot, even if it's not apparent. "Here.", he holds out something that looks like a cluster of fabric but turns out to be a coat. It's grey and looks practically new. "What is this?", you ask curiously before you unfold it.

"A coat.", Murphy supplies and leans down to Fish, scratching him behind his ears. "I'm pretty sure it fits Fish, right boy?", he asks, cooing at the dog and you smile warmly at him. Maybe he's right. Fish surely needs a warmer garment.

"Come here, boy.", you call and he wriggles over to you. It takes several seconds before you manage to put it on, Fish patiently waiting for you. Murphy was right, it's his size though Fish still seems to be confused by the clothing and tries to snatch at it. "Stop it.", you softly scold him and take his snout between your fingers. "This will keep you warm.", you tell him unsure if he understands you, as all he does is to pant happily.

A commotion on the other side of the room distracts you from Fish and soon you hear two people loudly talking over one another. Anya voices her disapproval by clicking her tongue and turns back around to Murphy who ignores the noise from the other side of the room. You watch as two police officers walk towards the crowd and a few moments later unintelligible chatter fills the room once again.

"What was that about?", you ask no one in particular before you turn around again. Your eyes fall on Murphy, a smile on his lips as he is giving out some snacks to other patrons around the table.

"That? Just Clarke and Raven. Ignore them.", Anya says with a voice that indicates that she is annoyed by it. You wish you could ignore it but you can't. You turn, crane your neck and sure enough you spot a shock of blonde hair, seconds later you hear her raspy laugh. Clarke. It's Clarke.

_

You don't know what has gotten into you. Why would you go to the table Clarke worked at? Even the excuse for winter clothes doesn't seem convincing enough. Though you definitely need some, your ripped jacket proof enough. Once you made your way over to Clarke you just stare, watch her interact with other patrons. She's patient, soft-spoken and sports a smile that melts your insides.

How are you supposed to talk to her when she's all vibrant like that? Basically exuding insecurity, you stand in the corner, biting your lips, contemplating how to approach her. "Are you next?", an older guy asks you, his hair wild, his smile toothy.

"Eh... sure, yes. I mean...", you trail of as you take a step forward. It's the exact moment Clarke turns around with a bright smile her lips. "Hi, how can I help you?", she asks cheerfully and only backtracks when she gets a proper look at you.

"Hey.", you say shyly, the tips of your ears burning hot underneath your hair. You hope Clarke doesn't see it. "Oh, hey, it's you!", she returns enthusiastically and you can't help but smile. Consciously you push a brown lock behind your ear and regard her with a soft smile.

"Lexa.", you supply and you could swear her eyes twinkle at that. "Lexa.", she parrots and you nod. "Alfred, great, now that we are done with that, can you please move on?", interrupts the guy behind you slightly grumpy, his smile suddenly vanished.

"Sorry..."

You hold your hands up in surrender and are about to move to the side when Clarke reaches out for your wrist. "Wait!" She lets go almost immediately when your eyes snap to your wrist, her cheeks burning red. "Eh I mean I... I need your size." For another moment the two of you stare at one another before you quietly mumble '8' under your breath.

Clarke nods and scurries away, giving you a moment to take a much-needed deep breath. "A beauty, isn't she?", Alfred pipes up as he follows Clarke moving around and you sigh. "Sorry for being grumpy by the way, hadn't had any food today.", he tells you and you shrug in response. "It's alright. Don't worry about it.", you give him a quick smile, apparently giving him the sign that you are interested in talking with him. He's about to dive into a conversation about a topic unknown to you when a brunette behind the counter locks eyes with him.

"Are you next?", she asks him with a smile and Alfred nods, following the brunette happily who winks at you over her shoulder. You are not sure what that means but you return a polite smile. And with that you are left you alone in front of the table, your heart pounding heavily in your chest.

When Clarke returns after a few minutes and brings you a long, brown hooded parka with fake fur, you swear your heart beats even faster. "Here, try this one.", she says with a shy smile and you return it.

"Thanks."

You unzip your jacket, push it down your shoulders and put it down on the counter before Clarke pipes up again. "Where's Fish? Didn't you bring him here with you?" She looks around in the station, clearly searching for a sign of Fish.

With a jerk of your head you motion towards Murphy's table where the brown bundle sits obediently next to an older lady who currently feeds him treats from the desk. "Oh I did, he's currently living to good life." Clarke follows your movement and spots him right away. "Oh, I see. I've brought some as well, do you think he'd like that?", she asks you, careful as if she doesn't know you'd say yes to anything she proposes in a heartbeat.

You laugh quietly at that. "Fish hardly ever refuses treats." When Clarke chuckles in return, you chance a look at her, watch her twinkling eyes full of adoration as she regards Fish. You wish she would...

With a sudden movement you force the zip up and flinch when your hair gets caught up in it. The moment Clarke's hears you hiss she looks over to you alarmed and rushes around the table. "Careful.", she says and pushes your hands to the side not missing a beat. You freeze in place, watching her delicate fingers as they untuck your hair from the zipper.

"See, all better.", she tells you as she looks up through her eyelashes with a smile. Her face is so close that if you would lean in your nose would touch hers easily. But you can't do that. Clarke's a stranger, a beautiful one but a stranger nonetheless in a train station full of people. So instead all you can do is stare into her sky-blue eyes, get lost in them for a second while holding your breath expectantly. Clarke's gaze is burning your skin, as she looks from your green eyes over to your cheekbones and lastly to your lips. You wet them unconsciously and Clarke takes a sobering step backwards. For a moment she looks like a deer in a headlight before she seems to gather herself.

"The parker looks very good on you.", Clarke croaks, slowly bringing some distance between you and you take a moment to look down at yourself. You have no idea how it looks like but you don't care, it feels warm and cosy. "and it is really cosy.", you voice your thoughts and Clarke gives you a slow once-over with a tender smile on her lips. "great, so it's yours."

You feel the heat creeping in your cheeks and hide it with looking over to Fish before whistling lowly. Fish's floppy ears perk up, seeking out his owner through the crowd before he runs towards you. His massive body moves quickly through the crowd, surprisingly without bumping into anyone. When he comes to a stop in front of you, his tail wagging excitedly you lean down to scratch him behind his ear. "Good boy."

What you can't see is Clarke looking at you with tenderness and a soft smile on her lips, her cheeks slightly rosy. And maybe it's for the best.

When Fish realises that Clarke is there with you, he turns happily nudging Clarke's leg. The blonde laughs at that and squats down in front of Fish. "Hey Fish.", she greets him and Fish excitedly licks every spot of Clarke's face he can reach.

"I see you got some nice jacket as well.", she says as she cradles his face in her hands and you nod, even if Clarke can't see it. "Murphy gave it to him. I'm not sure if he'll need it but still." Clarke nods at that and gets up from her position. "Well, seems like the two of you are set for the winter."

"Thanks to this.", you motion towards the station in an effort to visualize what you are talking about. "Yeah, it's great. We do that like every other week from October onwards...", she supplies and you are about to ask more about the 'we' Clarke mentions when she continues instead, "but I haven't seen you here before today, usually you don't come here, right?"

"Yeah, I don't like crowds. Plus, there are people who have it a good deal worse.", you shrug and Clarke looks over to you, scrutinizing. "But you deserve it, too. You know that, right?"

"Probably." You evade Clarke's question with an easy smile before you lean down to Fish. "Are you ready to leave, boy?", you ask him and he looks up at you with his usual excitement.

Clarke seems like she wants to say something else, maybe to mend but apart from looking at you she doesn't say much. Instead she picks up a beanie and holds it toward you. "Here, take this one as well." You take the beanie without hesitation, ready to leave the scene before Clarke starts a discussion with you about rewards and who deserves them. You can't tell her that you always tend to put the health of others before your own. Costia hated when you did that, so you better not show Clarke this side of you.

"Thanks...see you later.", you back away from the table that's quickly filled with other patrons who demand Clarke's attention and you are happy about that. This way you can't see Clarke's sad gaze as she looks after you.

Only later you realize that the beanie wasn't a donated one but Clarke's.

_

Every bone in your body wants to return, wants to talk to Clarke a little more but you can't do it, Clarke has other friends, other options, like the guy that comes to the coffee shop every day, the guy that probably has a job and gives Clarke what she deserves.

You stump towards your hide-out, the fireplace, towards Polis as you and the others dub it - it sounds suspiciously like 'Police', a word that Gustus tends to scream in his sleep but you never addressed it. It's a small area in an abandoned car park. It's on the ground floor, the open windows hung shut with cloths and cardboard. Gustus lives there for some years as far as he told you, Anya still has a place here as well, keeping her belongings save from all the thieves at the shelter. There are a few other people here as well, you know their stories by heart, shared more meals with them than you can count. They are family. But today none of them are here yet. Winters makes others take shelters elsewhere, sometimes in the public transport, sometimes in cars that aren't locked. There are many possibilities for the homeless, even if none of them warms you as much as you need.

You walk down the ramp towards your home and can already see the burning barrel in the middle. You smile when you see Gustus standing next to it, rubbing his hands in front of him. You come to a stand next to him, enjoying the warmth coming from the fire. 

"So, did you get a new jacket?", he asks as he gives you a sideway glance. "Yeah, I did but...", you shake your head and Gustus raises his eyebrow at you. "But?"

"It's stupid." Gustus smiles at you, still rubbing his hands together. "Want to tell me anyway?", he asks and you take a deep breath before you recount what happened at the train station. You don't need to look over to see the deep smile on his lips. He understands but doesn't comment on it. Instead he just stares at the fire, gives you time to process it yourself.

For a few more minutes you enjoy the warmth of the barrel before you walk over to your small home consisting of a mattress, a small blanket in the corner for Fish, and two huge bags of clothing and belongings you brought with you and never managed to throw away. You stow your plastic bag with your old jacket, sleeping bag and cardboard next to them before you plop down on your mattress. Next to it stands a beat-down cardboard, barely standing, the corners pushed in. On top of it stands an old picture frame. It shows a smiling woman, her hair black, curled, her skin dark. Like every night you stop in front of it, place a kiss against your hand and press said hand against the frame.

"Made it another day."

Fish climbs onto the mattress next to you, cuddles his head in your side. You smile at him before you bury your nose in his soft fur and take a deep breath. His fur smells like rain and dirt but there's nothing that grounds you better than his warmth.

You know you have to go to the animal food bank soon, maybe they'll bath him. You know there's always a team of volunteers who do check-ups on the dogs. And Fish needs a warmth bath, against fleas amongst other things. Tomorrow is Thursday, so they'll have open, maybe you can also get some food for Fish while you are at it. You should have asked Murphy about it.

"You think Clarke will bring us tea tomorrow?", you ask Fish and he licks at your hand in response. You smile. Fish really is the only thing that keeps you company no matter what. You found him on a rainy day a year prior, his snout pressed into a trashcan, searching for anything edible. His fur had been almost black because of the mud and his build almost skinny. You remember his low growl, remember his whimpers when he realised you would help him.

You are happy that he deemed you worthy of his trust. You fall asleep thinking about a life without Fish and deep down you can't help but wonder if Clarke saw you as the poor, scared dog searching for food when she first saw you sitting at the corner.


	2. Chapter 2

_"The necessaries of life for [wo]man in this climate may, accurately enough, be distributed under the several heads of Food, Shelter, Clothing and Fuel; for not till we have secured these are we prepared to entertain the true problems of life with freedom and a prospect of success." - Thoreau_

When you wake up the next morning you know you want to change something. You don't know why (you know exactly why), but you feel an energy that wasn't there before. You want to go to your supervisor, you want to tell him that you are doing good and that your life goes upwards. You want to tell him that the replacement drugs you are taking on description are actually helping you and that you want to get away from the drugs completely.

Today you don't go to the corner of the supermarket, you don't see Aden in the morning, nor Clarke with her hot cup of tea. All you see are busy people walking down the street while you manoeuvre yourself trough the masses.

A relieved sigh leaves your lips once you stand in front of the building. You tighten your scarf a little, put a leash on Fish and walk into the building. Like every time the receptionist doesn't want to let Fish in with you but you ignore his calls after you until you reach the office of your supervisor. It's a bald man, always a little peculiar, that stops you in front of his office. He smiles at you, kindly.

"Woods.", he greets you and opens the door to his own office. You return his smile. He never stopped believing in you, even when you ditched another of his sessions. "I'm surprised to see you already, did my message reach you?", he asks as he takes his seat at the other side of the desk.

You mirror him and sit down on the chair, Fish comes to a stop next to you and sits down well-behaved. "It was a spur of the moment decision to be honest.", you tell him and he nods. You watch him as he pulls out your file and opens it. "Better than nothing.", he says while he pulls out a piece of paper from his documents.

"I asked for you because I have an offer.", he tells you seriously and for a second you feel scared, maybe he wants to stop supporting you, maybe they will take Fish from you, like they have tried before. Maybe this was a really bad idea.

"Don't make such a face, Lexa, it's nothing bad.", he promises and you sag down in the chair a little bit. Nothing would be worse than living without Fish. "Actually, it's something good. But I can only make it work if you promise me something..."

He raises his eyebrow at you, like he always does when he knows you will usually decline or when he needs a serious answer from you. You smile because you find it funny how good you know him already. "What is it?", you ask and he leans forward over the table. "You need to promise me you won't relapse. I know you talked to one of your old friends from your... bad days, and I need to be sure you will stay strong."

You remember the day you spoke to Jasper, a friend of yours if he can be called that. You spent a lot of time with him when you lost Costia, he was part of the reason why you relapsed. You took a lot of drugs with him, anything you could get and you hate that you fell in that hole.

Today you barely see him anymore, you try to avoid him until he finds you and asks you for money. The other day he made you a deal, you were supposed to become the dealer for some mob. You said no the moment he asked you. It would be your doom.

"I promise. I just talked to him, nothing happened. He asked me to sell drugs, I declined. I'm clean." You need him to believe you, he has no reason to do so. He knows you pick up your replacement drugs, knows that you usually take them. "Actually, I want to get away from the drugs completely, please, let me try." He is the one that needs to trust you enough to send you to therapy. Whenever he decides you are ready you can actually come off drugs.

"You are not ready yet, Lexa and you know it.", he tells you and you get all defensive. "But I am, I can... I.", he holds up his hand, indicates that it's enough. "Well, prove it to me. That's what I wanted to talk about. I can get you an apartment, it won't be big but you can live there until you are ready but this is your last chance. You hear me, if you blow this you won't get another chance."

You look at him, wide-eyed. He will provide you a flat? He wants you to find work, get away from the street? For a moment your thoughts run 100 miles a minute, you wonder what possibilities you would have, how you would manage to get away from the street and then you think of Gustus, of Anya, even Aden and Clarke. You'll lose all of this, your routine, your life as it is. Suddenly you have trouble breathing, you heave one, two, three breaths but there isn't enough air.

Your supervisor gets around the table quickly, puts his hands on your shoulder. "Lexa, look at me.", he tells you and you try to focus on him but it's hard, so incredibly hard. He presses his hands deeper into your shoulder and you finally feel his touch. "Breath with me, one, two in, three four, out.", he tells you and repeats this exercise over and over until you feel your breath relaxing. He smiles at you encouragingly.

It takes you another 15 minutes to completely calm down, you still feel exhausted and in the need of sleep but it will be alright. You know it will.

"I know it's a big step.", he tells you and you nod, unable to form words. "But let's try it. You will probably still need some time until you find a job but I want to know that you are not freezing to death during winter."

You nod again, though you want to ask why you did not end up in the homeless shelter. The question already ready at the tip of your tongue. For a second, you wonder if he knows about the incident that happened roughly a year ago. 408 days ago, to be exact. You count every day that passes by, unable to forget. But he smiles again and maybe you should just trust him on this one. At least once. "So, you want to see the apartment?", he asks, a key dangling from his hand. You sigh, you are not sure you want to do that but then you nod. You should try. Maybe you could talk to Clarke again, tell her you got a home.

You shake your head, you should not think of her. It's not right.

So, you get up from your chair and follow your supervisor to the car. He drives the two of you over to TonDC, a rather rundown district known for drug addicts and other lunatics. You sigh. It was to be expected, where else would they offer emergency housing?

The door he opens for you, is dilapidated and dirty and so is the rest of the apartment but you have a couch there, one you can sleep on and a real functioning bathroom, and a kitchen. It's more than you can ask for. "Wow.", you whisper dumbstruck as you wander through the apartment. When you walk to the kitchen and check the water from the faucet you can't help but smile broadly. "Hot water.", you say and Titus smiles softly at you.

You wonder if such a place would have saved Costia. If the prospect of a warm home would have helped her to get a grip on her addiction. You wonder if it would have made a difference at all or if she would have died anyway, just in the confined place that you would call your home. You'll never get an answer to that but it still stirs unpleasant thoughts in the back of your mind.

  
Once you have seen everything you stop in the hallway looking at your supervisor. He smiles at you and nudges your shoulder. "I don't know what to say.", your voice breaks as the emotion well up inside of you. "Say: ' I stay in the program and I will be come to our next meeting.", Titus says teasingly and you give him a sincere smile, the tears still gathering in the corner of your eyes. "I promise. I... Cross my heart, hope to die."

"Good. I got to get going.", he smiles at you and you nod at him. You'll need some time on your own, sitting on the couch. Time to realize what the fuck just happened to you. Titus managed to get you emergency housing, you can finally leave the street behind you. It seems like a miracle, one you don't feel like you deserve.

He puts the keys down on the sideboard next to the door and nods at you again. "Sleep a night here, see how you like it. And then you see me tomorrow, okay?", he proposes, "I bought some milk and cereals for you, and some food for Fish." You look at him full of surprise. You don't know why he thinks you can do it, why he does so much for you, but you are grateful and maybe the wakeup call this morning finally pays out.

He leaves you soon after and you end up sitting on the couch, looking at Fish. You don't know how you managed to end up in this apartment but here you are. You take a deep breath before you get up to fill Fish a bowl of dog food. He eats it like he hasn't eaten in days, you eat the cereals the same way.

Once you are done, you look out of the window, you watch the dealer opposite your building, selling drugs to teenagers and you feel the need to breathe. This place is dangerous, if you aren't strong enough you'll definitely won't make it here.

You leave the apartment in a hurry, Fish right behind you. The moment you finally end up opposite of the coffee shop, you take a deep breath. Everything is like it used to be, nothing has changed. You still are okay and this thing with a home... you'll think about it.

But you know you have decided to try it when you see Clarke. She is not smiling today, her whole demeanour seems to emit sadness and disappointment. You see how even the curly haired guy can't make her smile, see how she refills cups without her usual cheerfulness.

When you look down at your spot, you see a cup of tea, still filled to the rim. She brought it to you this morning and you weren't there because you had other plans. Because you believed you could be something you were not. But maybe...

Clarke finds your eyes the moment you turn around again. She just looks at you and you do the same. You send her a soft half-smile from across the street and finally, she smiles. You are not sure if you should apologize, if she even wants an apology but you cross the street anyway. The moment you reach the other side of the road Clarke opens the door to the coffee shop. She walks quickly towards you and for a second you think she will hug you but she doesn't. She just stands in front of you, her whole-body quivering. You take a step towards and unwind your scarf to put it around her shoulders, it's big enough. She smiles. "Are you okay?", is what she asks, not where you have been.

You nod. "Yeah, I had an appointment today.", you say and she smiles, you are not sure she believes you but that's okay because she doesn't seem so sad anymore. "Clarke.", you hear someone call from the inside and it's Raven motioning towards the que in front of the counter. "Sorry...", she mumbles and looks at you. "Will you be here tonight?", she asks, repeating her question from a day prior.

You shake your head. "No, I have something to do but I'll be here tomorrow.", you promise and when she smiles, you know she believes you, she's still shivering when she gives you your scarf back, still shivering when she's inside again.

She glances over at you again, and you give her your half-smile. After that you walk past the shop, you have to talk to Gustus, have to tell him what happened and that you will be okay.

When you reach your hide out, Gustus stands in front of it, a cigarette in one hand, a coffee in another. Apparently, people are nice today. He smiles when he sees you but you have the feeling he already knows what you are going to tell him. "You weren't at your spot when I came over.", he greets you and you nod. "Yeah, had an appointment with my supervisor.", you tell him and he nods, before he takes a sip from his coffee. "And?"

"He gave me another chance.", you tell him right away and Gustus nods wisely. "What does that mean?", he asks and you sigh. You hate telling him that, especially because there is no guarantee that you won't end up here once again. "They offered me an apartment, at least for a while, until I can become completely clean and start working again."

He nods, his eyes telling you how sad he is to see you leave. "That's good, Lexa, you deserve this chance. I know you can do so much better.", he smiles at you, it's sad but he's right. He always wanted what was best for you. He was the one that gave you shelter, that held you when a panic attack flooded you and that wouldn't change just because you weren't living here anymore.   
"So, do your best, you hear me? I don't want to see you back here again." His voice is serious and you know it's his way to look out for you.

All you can do is nod. Gustus nods in return and leans down to Fish. He caresses his big head, scratches him softly behind the ear. "Take care of Lexa for me, will you?" Fish whines in return, as if he would understand what Gustus said and nudges him with his nose. You smile.

"I will still be at my spot.", you tell him and he looks up at you, smiling. "I know but not for long, I'm sure." You wonder how he does it, have so much faith in you and your abilities. "But it's not a good-bye.", you tell him again and Gustus nods. "Yeah, yeah.", a small grin forms on his lips and you know it's not a good-bye.

When you leave Gustus and walk towards your new 'home', fully packed with your belongings, you feel weird, you can't really place it but it feels strange. When you open the door to your apartment, you feel even weirder. You take a few minutes, maybe even longer, to just stand in the hallway, staring at the couch.

It's warm here, despite the fact that you haven't turned on the heater just yet. It's cosy in a way you can't describe.

You cuddle into the soft cushions of the couch while Fish lies down on the carpet. You hear him yawn, hear him stretch before he finally lies down.

For a second you stare at the frame you placed on the coffee table, you stare at the beautiful woman looking back at you. "Made it another day.", you mumble, as you do every day. Then you kiss your fingers and press them against the frame. After that you let your hand drop from the couch and bury it into Fish' warm fur. You can't quite grasp what happened to you today but you are glad, glad to be here.

______

You wake up in the middle of the night, startled. For a second you feel caged, feel like you are in the wrong place before your brain reminds you where you are. You sit up, your brown curls obscuring your view, and you just stare. Fish isn't there in front of you, his loud snoring missing. You push your hair back and let your view wander from the window to the right, to the door towards the kitchen.

Still, no sign of Fish.

"Fish?", you call out but nothing happens and you worry. Worry that your best friend isn't here with you anymore. Much quicker than you should, you get up from the couch and you feel dizzy for a second. Once you find your footing you walk determined towards your kitchen. You expect to see Fish sitting in front of his bowl, searching for food that isn't there but he isn't.

It takes you a moment to realize that the door, behind you, is open. As you turn you hear some sort of rumble. "Fish?", you repeat while your heartbeat quickens. Then you hear a growl and your heart plummets. Fish doesn't growl, he did when you found him when he was scared but that was the only time. You look around in the kitchen, searching for anything to defend you with. Your weapon of choice ends up to be a spatula. As you walk towards the front door you can see the brown fur that definitely belongs to Fish.

It seems like he sees you as well because he starts to whimper. Spatula held close to your face you take the final leap and step outside. You are surprised to be faced with none other than Clarke. It takes you a moment to actually see her but when you do, your heart quickens for a whole another reason.

Before you can even address her, your gaze lands on Fish. His fur is much darker around his neck and you worry. You drop the spatula and fall to your knees. "I'm sorry.", you hear, a hiccup following. "I'm so, so sorry."

You touch the somewhat wet fur and realize it's indeed blood. You turn, your anger full on display. "What did you do to him?", you ask loudly and Clarke flinches in front of you. She takes a step backwards, her hands held up. You are sure she's about to bold when she just mumbles another apology. You don't need an apology, you need an explanation.

"I...", Clarke starts, her voice quivering, "I didn't do anything." She takes a deep breath, you can hear it but you don't have time for this. Your dog needs help and Fish seems to think that too as he whines once again. You lean back down to him, softly caressing his fur. "It's okay, boy. I'm here, I'm here", you mumble and it seems Clarke finally finds her words again.

"I can help.", she says, her voice weak and insecure, but you don't turn, you don't even register she talks to you. "I'm a vet...well, not yet but I know enough to help." Suddenly you feel her presence next to you and you hear Fish growl again and you understand. He growled at Clarke, but why?

"It's okay, Fish, you are safe.", your hand wanders through his fur and it seems to calm, enough for Clarke to touch the fur around his neck. She pushes it aside and you see a small cut, not big but big enough to bleed a lot. "Can you pick him up? I live just two doors down, I have everything we need there.", she looks at you, you can feel it but all you see is the blood on his fur.

"Lexa?" You look at her when she says your name and you nod. "Okay, boy, that might hurt." You prepare Fish but he whines the moment you pick up his heavy body. You know from experience that he is a little cry baby. You remember the time he had an ingrown claw and would pretend he couldn't walk farther than a few meters. You carry Fish inside of Clarke's apartment, put his body on the couch. You wonder if this is a sign, if you should leave this place, if it's not meant for you.

You know that you don't have enough money to pay any vet, Fish has to survive this on his own. You still ponder what you can do to help him while you softly caress his warm body. He nuzzles your hand when you fondle his forehead.

The click of doors makes you realize that you are at Clarke's, not yours. You try to remember why and what she said to you. But everything is just a blur. You look at her and she smiles carefully at you. "Can I?", she asks, still standing in her hallway. You nod and realize that she has a small first aid kit with her. She walks over to the couch and kneels next to you.

"I need to shave his fur here, unfortunately I don't have everything I need with me, I mean for proper care but I'll try my best.", she explains to you but you just nod absent-minded. You don't know what you will do if Fish falls seriously ill.

"Hold him.", Clarke instructs and you softly hold Fish's nuzzle. He doesn't fight it, just looks at you with his big brown eyes. You lean down to kiss his forehead while Clarke cuts the fur with her scissors. "You'll be alright, okay?", you promise Fish while Clarke works her magic. You don't see it but Clarke applies an antiseptic which makes Fish growl lowly. You pat his head softly as he does so and his attention focuses back on you.

"Can you hold his head up?", Clarke asks and you do as she wants. A few minutes later Fish's neck is bandaged and Clarke leans back with a sigh. "I'm still sorry.", she says while she tries to wipe away the blood.

You eye her from the side and wonder what Clarke even does here. You ask yourself if this is a dream, maybe all of this never happened but then you look at Fish and you like to think that you would have woken up the moment you saw Fish suffering.

The minutes stretch between you two and all you can think of is to thank Clarke as you see Fish rise in front of you, his tail wagging happily. "Thank you.", you mumble, giving a side glance towards Clarke. The blonde shakes her head. "You shouldn't thank me, it's my fault this happened in the first place.", she tells you, finally getting your full attention.

"What are you saying...?", you ask, your head tilted to the side in confusion. Clarke smiles sadly at you and shrugs helplessly. "Well, I just came home from my shift and there was this guy, asking me for money and when I told him I can't give him anything he got handsy, tried to rip my jacket away. When I tried to defend myself, he pulled out a knife and threatened me. And I guess I got loud because the moment he presses me against the wall the door to this apartment springs open and Fish is there. I've never seen him so furious. I called out for him, tried to calm him down but he just growled even louder, until the point that he attacked the guy and I think at that moment the knife found its way into Fish's neck. He whined so loudly, it was terrible. I thought...", she trails off, tears forming in her eyes and you feel the need to reach out and hug her. "I thought that was it. The guy took a run and a moment later I heard your voice. I swear, I never meant to get Fish hurt."

She looks terrible, looks at you as if you would never accept her apology. But you just nod. "I see.", you say quietly, you are not good at human interaction, never have been, but you try your best nonetheless. "Don't worry, look...", you softly ruffle over Fish's forehead. "He's almost as good as new, just because of your help."

She shakes her head and sighs. "If it weren't for me in the first place...", she starts but you just hold up your hand to stop her. "It's okay. Really. He likes to be the hero, right buddy?" You look at Fish, he still looks exhausted and the bandage around his neck still looks terrible but his tongue hangs out and it seems like he is okay.

He leans towards Clarke and softly licks her hand. The blonde looks up, smiling and you smile as well, this is what Fish can do best, comfort people. "Plus, he has a soft spot for beautiful ladies, am I right?" You smile at Fish, an open, happy smile and he takes it as an invite to attack you with all the love he has. You see that it still hurts him a little when he whines after moving too much and tries to reach the spot on his neck.

You don't see how Clarke smiles shyly at you and how much adoration she has in her eyes when she sees the two of you interact.

You softly pat Fish and Clarke gets up from the floor you are still sitting on and walks over to a small dresser. She opens it and finds some piece of fabric which she brings over to Fish. He still sits proudly on the couch, wagging his tail. "Okay buddy, so here is your trophy.", she tells him and he tilts his head in question. She puts the scrap of red fabric around his neck, softly, covering the bandage with it. It suits him and you smile a little broader.

It's then that you realize that you haven't said anything in a while and when you look at Clarke you realize that she watched you the whole time. She still has that careful smile on her lips, the one she had when she came to help Fish. You feel conscious under her gaze.

"So, this is your place?", you ask, feeling the need to change the topic. She nods softly. "Yeah, kind of.", she says and you let your gaze wander through the apartment. It's dark but cosy, only a few lamps on the side spent some light. The walls seem to be drawn on, they are colourful, one showing the vast expanse of a clearing, in the middle of it a campfire, illuminating the dark forest around it.

"It belonged to my fiancé. He...he overdosed fatally.", she tells you and her eyes seem clouded. "I came here to find closure but it's harder than I thought it would be..." She shrugs, kind of helpless. You nod. You know this feeling far too well. "At least you are strong enough to be here.", you console her and Clarke looks over to you. You try to smile but you can't, so you just elaborate your words instead.

"I lost someone dear to me, too.", you explain, "Her name was Costia but I was never brave enough to face my fears and find closure, so I admire you. I could never be as strong as you are." Clarke seems surprised, she looks at you with wide-eyes. You don't think she expected you to say that. But she just saved your dog, your best friend, and you like her, in a way you don't really understand. (you do but denying it is much easier)

"I'm not strong.", she dismisses but you shake your head. She is, everyone who faces their demons is strong. You just run away, trying to forget about it, even worse you did it with the help of drugs. "I think you are strong and you can't convince me otherwise." She shakes her head but smiles fondly at you. It seems like you won this round.

"Do you want your daily tea?", she asks as she gets up from the floor and walks over to her kitchen counter. You follow her with your eyes but shake your head when she looks at you. "No, it's okay. I better get back home, get some sleep.", you say and shrug.

Clarke nods. "Okay." Her voice doesn't sound cheerful but you accept it anyway. "But do me a favour.", she says as she walks toward you, "take Fish to a vet, he needs antibiotics and someone who looks at his wound."

"I can't, I wouldn't know how to pay the vet, it's...", you trail off but Clarke just pushes a card in your hand. "Here, go to this one, it's a vet I volunteer at, tell them Clarke sent you." You look at her with wide-eyes before you look at the card. It isn't far from here, you definitely should go, for Fish's sake. "Thanks."

She shakes her head. "No need to thank me.", she says and smiles, it's soft and feels warm. You get up from the floor and Fish follows you right away but not without getting some cuddles from Clarke. You leave her apartment with a pounding heart.

As you get back into your bed, you can't help but think about Clarke's face, about her blue eyes and the way she looked at you. Your hand lands on Fish's head again and this time he nuzzles into you, giving you the warmth you so desperately need.

______ 

The next day you get up early, even though you spent half of the night talking to Clarke. It's your inner clock, the one that wakes you around 6 in the morning. You stretch yourself, get a bowl of cereals and walk over to the vet. You are a little nervous, unsure about how it will work out but you hope they'll treat Fish.

The receptionist tells you to get a number and you do. It takes you only a few seconds to realize that there are roughly 10 pets who will be helped before Fish. You take a seat in the waiting room and wait. Hours pass by while you can do nothing.

The moment you decide to leave because you have your appointment with your supervisor, your number is called. They take care of Fish, the wound is cleaned properly now, his skin shaved neatly but they also tell you that the preparation done for this was good, otherwise it could have gotten infected and ended much worse for Fish. You tell them it was Clarke's doing and they smile at you in a way you can't decipher.

Once you are done it's too late to go to your regular appointment but you go there nonetheless. Titus, your supervisor, is not happy to see you. "You missed your appointment.", he greets you and you duck your head, sorry written all over your face. "I know but it was because of Fish and..."

Titus holds up his hand and shakes his head. "I thought we were clear, you miss an appointment and you will be kicked out of the program. I risked a lot to help you here, okay? Don't throw it away like it doesn't matter." He reprimands you and you can't help but nod. Technically he's right but you never asked him to risk anything for you.

"It was because of Fish, he got hurt and then there was Clarke and...", you try to explain and Titus looks questioningly at you. "Clarke?", he repeats and you nod. "Yeah, she lives at the same complex and works at the coffee shop I mentioned."   
Titus nods knowingly. "Lexa, you are not ready for a relationship, it will only increase the possibility of a relapse and you know that." You nod, even if you want to tell him, that he doesn't need to be worried. She doesn't like you that way anyway.

"Does she know you're in the program?", he asks and you shake your head. No, you never told her, you are scared she won't talk to you anymore once you do. Her fiancé died of an overdose, she's probably the last person who wants to have contact with a former addict.

"No, I didn't but she knows me from the coffee shop, she knows, what I am.", you explain as if you want to convince Titus and not yourself. "Lexa, I know you, you get weak when feelings are involved and you know as good as I do that feelings aren't an addicts best friend, good, bad, doesn't matter. When was the last time you were completely sober? No weed, no drugs?", he asks you and you know what he's talking about.

"Before Costia...", you are unable to say it but he knows you got the point. "Right, and you couldn't deal with your emotions. They are dangerous, you hear me? It's baby steps, Lexa, baby steps." You nod. He's right. You have to be careful. You spent far too much time with Clarke already.

Titus lets you leave with a sour feeling in your stomach. He has a way of getting to you with simple words and maybe he's right, maybe you just need a little distance from Clarke. But it's easier said than done. The moment you make yourself comfortable at the corner with Fish, you can see Clarke in the coffee shop. She greets you with a soft wave and you return it shyly.

You watch her as she talks to Raven, how she laughs when Raven presses a cup into her hand and pushes her towards the door. You think you can see the tinge of red on her cheeks as the crosses the street but it's probably because of the cold. "Hey.", she greets you and you look up at her with a soft smile, hidden by your red scarf. "Hi.", you return and she leans toward to give you the cup. "Your tea.", she explains and you refrain from telling her that she doesn't need to do that. You know she'll do it anyway.

"How's my hero?", she asks as you take a tentative sip from the cup. "He's doing great, the vet stitched him all up and he was really brave." She looks at you softly before she pats Fish on the forehead. He is all happiness when he has the chance to lick Clarke's cheeks and so he gets a little too excited, resulting in Clarke falling into the snow. She laughs at Fish and pushes him softly to the side. "I see, he really is doing great.", she holds his body with her hands and smiles at him.

You nod and take another sip from your tea, the warmth already creeping inside of you. You wonder how you are supposed to be careful with Clarke when you see her every day. "Come, Fish, let Clarke go back to work." As the good dog he is, he moves back to your side, his trail still wagging and his tongue hanging out happily. He still wears the bandana Clarke put around his neck yesterday and you don't plan on removing it anytime soon.

Clarke gets up from the floor, dusts of the snow from her clothing and looks down at you. "Will you be here tonight?", she wants to know and you nod. "Of course, Fish needs to make sure you make it home safely." You know it's a lie, you know you are the one that wants her safe but you don't need to say that. Clarke can see it in your eyes, sees how serious you are because someone threatened her.

"You don't have to...", she starts but you shake your head. "Fish insists." Clarke smiles at that and nods. "Well, I can't say no to such a gentleman." You give her one of your half-smiles in return, the one that only ever comes out when you are around Clarke. She gives you another nod and turns around. It takes only a few minutes until she's back inside of the coffee shop but you can still feel the smile on your lips.

You hear Titus words echo in your head. Emotions are weakness, they'll destroy you but you can't find yourself caring right now, not with Clarke on the other side of the road, smiling at you whenever your eyes meet.

_________

Today is a good day. People seem to be much more generous than they have been the other days. You wonder if it's because you don't smell so terrible anymore and because Fish looks adorable with his bandana or if it's just a good day. Even Kids stop in front of you, asking if they can pat Fish.

It also means that you won't have to worry about your food for today. Which is a welcome relieve, it will make everything easier for you. When 8 pm rolls around you get up from your spot, dust away the remains of the snow and stretch. You feel cold, your new coat not keeping the warmth enough, not after hours of sitting on the same spot and you have been late today, but it will suffice.

Clarke is about to close for the day when you reach the other side of the street. She greets you with a smile and another tea. You take it gratefully, happy for some resemblance of warmth inside of you. You sip it quietly while Clarke tells you about her day. You smile at a story about Raven and think for yourself that you could get used to her company.

You are halfway home when Clarke stops speaking next to you, you look over to her questioningly and she just sighs. "You've been pretty cold earlier.", she tells you as if it has been a secret she just revealed. You nod. "I think...", she starts and looks over to you, you are not sure but she seems a little shy to say the next words. You wonder what she wants to say that she's double-checking with you. "You could... eh, come inside when Raven leaves to warm up a little.", she proposes and you don't think that's anything she would need to be nervous about. Clarke doesn't say that she enjoys your company and that talking with you while finishing her shift sounds great to her. She's not sure if you would even want to spent this hour with her.

You shrug halfheartly. "It's okay, Clarke. I've got a jacket that keeps me warm and Fish." Said dog just looks up at you before he realizes you are not really addressing him and trots a little further in front of you to follow an invisible trail. "But it's getting so cold lately.", she says, worry evident in her voice, while she tucks her hands even deeper into her jacket. "And you wouldn't disturb me anyway, actually...", she makes a pause to look over to you, you return her gaze with yours, "I think I would like your company."

"Oh.", is all you say as if you suddenly understand that she's not saying this to do you a favour. She wants you there with her. Maybe closing up is as lonely as it seems from the outside. "Okay.", you give in. If Clarke wants you there, wants your company, you'll gladly give it to her. If you are honest you just stay as long as you do in front of the coffee shop because you watch her and you like how she seems to dance through the shop, sometimes even singing. It's a nice way to end the day.

You wonder, if she knows that you are watching her and if she would feel weird because of it. "Really?", she asks and you nod. "Yeah."

This becomes your routine. In the morning you leave the house a little earlier than she does, just because you don't want to miss Adens smile when he sees Fish in the morning. The first time he sees him with his bandana he asks you about it and you see how he fights with his tears when he finds out that Fish has been hurt. After that he brings Fish a treat every day.

Once that part of your daily routine is over, Clarke brings you a cup of tea and saunters off to the coffee shop. You realize that she works here most of the day and you wonder why she's full-time working at a coffee shop when she's somewhat a vet. You haven't asked her about it but you can imagine that her fiancé is the reason for it.

On Wednesdays Gustus comes around to talk to you. He tells you that he doesn't want to see you as often as he did before anymore. Not because he doesn't like you but because you will be better without him. He believes you to be strong and though he will support you whenever you need help, he sees how you grow. You know he wants to keep it that way. Maybe, you think, he wants to prepare himself for your disappearing. He knows you will leave the street at some point and even though you promise him to never forget him, you know realistically that life will have its ways with you.

Weeks pass by in a blur and Christmas comes quicker than you thought it would. The snow is falling steadily and soon sitting on the streets becomes even more uncomfortable than usual. But people are more generous, so that works out fairly well for you. Fish and you don't eat extravagant dinners but both of you finally have one good meal a day. And that is all that matters.

In the evening you get up and buy food for the two of you and when you come back you spent one hour with Clarke in the coffee shop. She tells you mundane things about herself, that she hates swimming and loves drawing, she draws you and Fish on little napkins during the day and gifts those to you. She tells you that she believes in astrology and that there's life in space. In return you tell her about your love for candles, about the fact that you love the fresh air after a summer rain and that you are terrified of cats.

It's nice. Easy. But if life has taught you anything it's that whenever you are happy something bad is bound to happen. And so, one morning before Christmas you see your mother walking down the street. She's busy, you know that, and you also know that she sees you. It's another reason you never changed your spot.

You get up, hastily, and walk over to her. "Mom.", you call out and you see how she speeds up, trying to ignore you but you don't give up and soon enough you finally reach her. Softly you grip her shoulder and she turns around to look at you, seemingly upset. You know she'd rather not see you. Since the very first time your parents saw you as the addict you were, they tried to pretend that you weren't part of their life anymore. They had taken all the support they had given you away, had stopped trying to help you once they witnessed that you took drugs out of your own volition. "Alexandria.", she greets you, her voice not as cold as she wants to make you believe it is.

"It's nice seeing you, how are you doing?", you ask and she looks over to the dog that's following you. "Good, good.", she says dismissively and presses the bags she has a little further into her chest. "It's Christmas, you know, everything's a little stressful." She doesn't look at you while she says that but rather seems to be looking for someone else. If you had to guess, she seems nervous.

"Yeah, I know...", you look down at Fish who finally appears at your side. He doesn't like your mother, the last time you saw her, she had spit at him, tried to shush him away as she thought a filthy animal was following you. His ears are flattened and you can see how he does whale eyes, you know that he's threatening your mother. You know he'll start growling the longer you'll talk to her, so you softly pat his head and he looks up to you. "Actually, I wondered if we could spend Christmas together? I'm clean since quite some time and I would love...", you start but the regal voice of our father interrupts the rest of your thoughts.

He calls for your mother and you can't help but look over. He meets your eyes but it doesn't seem like he recognizes you. You guess, he chooses to ignore the fact that you had once been his bright daughter with a shining future ahead of her. "Alexandria, honey, I'd love to.", she says, "but I'll see what your father thinks about it, okay?" You know it's her way of declining politely, especially when she searches for something in her bag and pulls out a twenty-dollar bill. "Here, love.", she pushes it into your hand before she scatters of.

You look after her for quite some time, the dollar note still in your hand. You only come back to reality when Fish nudges your leg. You look down at him, his ears standing up and his head tilted curiously. "That was something else, huh?", you ask him but he just looks at you, still curious. You shake your head and sigh. Your heart is still hammering quickly in your chest and you feel how your breathing quickens. Seeing your family always does that to you. You know you are on a brink of a panic attack when Fish softly nips your shaking fingers. You look down at him and smile sadly. "I'm okay, Fish, I promise.", you whisper as you slowly drop down to your knees. You know you can't do anything to fight the panic that floods you. It's imposing every other sense you have. Your breathing gets out of control and slowly but surely the world starts spinning around you.

It's Fish who grounds you. He needs a few seconds to press himself between your legs but when he finally managed to do so, he puts his paws against your chest. You feel his body weight push against you, a weight that never fails to calm you. Like in trance you put your arms around him to pull him closer and take deep breaths. It takes several minutes for you to calm down, to control your breathing. It's the pressure of Fish's weight that brings you back.

When you open your eyes again, you need a moment to orientate yourself but when you do, you only see Fish's muzzle. He drops his paws to the ground and sniffs your face. Which prompts you to take his head in your hand. You softly fondle him while you look at him full of love. "Thanks, buddy.", you mumble, the fatigue overwhelming you.

The people who walk by ignore you, like they do on any other day. There might have been some glances but nobody felt responsible for a homeless person having a breakdown.

You slowly get up, still feeling a little wobbly and sigh. Your father didn't even say anything to you but he still held such a power over you. It was the rejection that killed you, the ignorance of a man you always wanted to prove wrong.

When you were younger all you ever wanted was the appreciation your father was willing to give you but you never got it. Even as you excelled in high school, your father expected more from you. Your mother? She didn't say much, just stood behind him barely casting a shadow. He always drilled you to be better than you were. So, you took on much more course work than you could manage and soon you felt yourself crumple under the weight of a perfection you'd never be able to reach. It was a moment of weakness at a party, you didn't even think much about it, just a small pill, just a small distraction. It had been the beginning of the end.

Soon enough you met Costia and Costia had been like a gate-way drug. Right now, you long for the good feeling you know ecstasy will give you, the feeling of just floating in the moment, forgetting everything bad. But you know it won't last long enough and that you will need more to continue your life and soon you will be the addict your father despises so much. You can't do that, not to him and even less to yourself. You have to cope with this situation without the help of drugs, without any aid other than your sheer will.

You slowly leave the open street and walk back to your spot. It looks uninviting and hopeless, you can't bring yourself to sit down here. So, you pack up your belongings and leave. You don't have a mind to talk to Clarke first, you don't even think about her. You are just so fucking exhausted.

When you finally reach your home, all you do is fall face first into your couch. It doesn't take long for you to fall asleep, Fish close by your side.

You wake up hours later to a knock at your door. It seems urgent but you can't will your body to move faster. Slowly you get up, your muscles feeling tense and heavy, and you move towards your door. "Lexa, are you there?", a voice asks urgently, worried. When you open the door, you are faced with Clarke.

"Oh, thank god.", she mumbles as she rushes forward and gives you a bone-crushing hug. You feel yourself stiffen for a second before you give in, holding Clarke closely. It feels good, the warmth she exudes. The soft smell of cinnamon and Christmas surrounding her. You imagine this is how coming home on Christmas Eve feels like.

The hug ends far sooner than you'd like (but it's still far too long for a friendly hug) and you suddenly are faced with a very uncertain Clarke. She looks down, unable to face you, and bites her lower lip. "You weren't there, I thought something happened to you.", she confesses, still avoiding your eyes.

"Oh.", you say quietly, only now realizing that Clarke must the freezing. You reach out for her hand and softly pull her inside. She looks up, a little insecure, but you don't let go of her hand. Instead you close the door behind her and pull her into your living room. Clarke follows you tentatively. You have never invited her into your place before, for the last weeks you have always been at her apartment. She takes in the candles on your couch table and the frame in the mid of it all. "I'm sorry, I disappeared without saying anything.", you start and she looks away from the frame over to you.

"I met my mother and it didn't went so well. I mean, it's not like something bad happened but there's quite some shit I have to work through and it was a little bit too much for me." You realize you still haven't let go of her hand when you feel a soft encouraging squeeze. You look at her, a soft smile on her lips.

"It's okay.", she says, still holding on to your hand, "I guess, I just got too used to you always being there. I mean the last few weeks...", she shrugs before she looks up at you, "you grew on me." There is a sincere smile on her lips and you can't help but return it.

You softly pull her closer to you, before you finally let go of her hand and sit down. She gets the invite and makes herself comfortable next to you.

Fish takes that as an invite too, eagerly jumping on the couch just between the two of you, nuzzling his head in Clarke's lap. "I thought it was just me.", you say with a smile and she shakes her head. "I also missed my little hero.", she says, affectionately scratching Fish's ear.

"I see, that's how it is. If you are being honest, you just tolerate me because of Fish." It's the first time you make Clarke genuinely laugh all by yourself and it feels intoxicating. "That's not true and you know it.", she says, nudging your shoulder and you nod, suddenly serious again. "I know. The feeling is mutual."

She gives you a warm, soft smile, one that warms your heart and makes it beat faster. In the back of your mind you can hear Titus telling you about dangerous feelings but you don't have it in yourself to care. You like the feeling Clarke evokes in you, the feeling of being safe, of being home. She's the light in your dark world and you wonder when she got that kind of influence in your life.

For a moment, the two of you sit in comfortable silence, just basking in the presence of one another. "Is that...Costia?", Clarke asks after a while, motioning towards the frame amidst your candles. You nod. "Yeah.", you say, some sort of fondness in your voice. "This photo was taken at a college party we both were at, not that we were allowed to be there, only being high schoolers and all. But she had just won the art competition she worked so hard for and I wanted to celebrate that with her. I've never felt happier than in this moment. I was so goddamn proud that my girlfriend had won. I think I just walked around like a lunatic telling everyone how great Costia was. She loved the attention, always has.", you tell her, thinking of the party, "Unfortunately, I didn't know that this would be one of the last good memories we would have together. It went all downhill when we both got into college."

Clarke softly starts caressing Fish and just listens to you. It's weird to have her full attention, the only other person who listened to you that intently is Gustus. You wonder what that means, if it means anything at all. But it also encourages you to tell more, so, you do. "You know, Costia has always been strong, she wanted to conquer the world. I can't remember a day at which she wasn't the centre of attention. She just was like that, radiant. Everyone who saw her wanted to be like her. At some point, I might have felt the same. I was used to prove myself to others, I was used to become a better person for others. But Costia...Costia made me feel like it didn't matter. Like I was only supposed to be happy and in a sense, that's exactly what we were. Sometimes a little too happy."

You see Clarke nod next to you. You wonder, if she tries to imagine how Costia has been like, you wonder even if Clarke would have liked Costia. You think not. You think the two of them would have hated one another. "So... what happened to her?", she asks carefully and you know that you don't have to answer but you want to.

"Well, I guess, in the end all the attention meant nothing to her, if anything she felt hollow, like she just was an empty shell, filled by expectations and wrong assumptions. She felt void and at some point, the void just took her away.", you tell her cryptically, unable to mention the fact drugs are responsible for Costia's early departure.

If you close your eyes, you can still see Costia's bright smile after she got the scholarship for your college of choice, you can still hear her laughter when you tell her they accepted you as well but you also see her tainted skin, her hollow and empty eyes when she was lying on the floor.

You realize you are crying when a tear pearls down your cheek and Clarke reaches out to softly wipe it away. When you look over to her, you don't see pity in her eyes, you see a deep understanding. She knows what it means, better than anyone else in the world might.

She doesn't say anything and she doesn't have to. There is no need for consolation. All Clarke does is to softly push Fish down from the couch. She opens her arms and reaches out for you, carefully pulling you down, your head in her lap. A moment later her fingers start to roam through your hair, softly caressing your scalp and you sigh. You are a goner when she starts humming and minutes later you fall asleep.

___________

You wake up the next morning warmer than you have been in a very long time. You're surprised to see that it's not Fish's doing. He lies on the floor, his head buried in your red scarf. Apparently, he missed you while sleeping. Which brings you to the fact that there is something else behind you that gives off heat.

When you turn around, you are greeted by soft, blonde curls, messily sprawled over the armrest of your couch. An arm on your hip holds you in place and you wonder how Clarke and you managed to get into this position. The last thing you remember is talking about Costia.

Clarke stirs a little and mumbles something before she scoots a little closer and hides her face in the nook of your neck. You breathe in audibly at this, your heart hammering away in your chest. You will it to calm down, scared that Clarke will hear it but the blonde doesn't move an inch. All she does is taking a deep breath and sighing happily.

You remain in this position with her as motionless as possible. You fear that when you move this fantasy will shatter and you will wake up. Instead Clarke wakes up. "What time is it?", she mumbles against your neck, it sends shivers down your spine. "I don't know.", you croak, unable to speak properly.

Clarke almost makes a somersault when she realizes that it's you. She presses her body into the backrest of the couch and stares at you with wide-eyes. "Oh, eh hi...", she mumbles, clearly embarrassed beyond believe. "Hey.", you whisper in return and give her a soft smile. She hesitates before she returns it and the two of you stay in this position.

You rather feel than see Clarke relax in front of you, her legs touching yours in the process. "You fell asleep on me last night.", is what she chooses to talk about with you and you nod sheepishly. "Sorry."

She shakes her head slightly, a curl obscuring her view. "It's okay. I...", she trails off when you reach forward to push the offending curl aside. Her mouth is still open as if she forgot mid-sentence what she wanted to say which is probably true. But you can't help yourself either, your brain is far too occupied by her beauty, even in the early morning she looks breathtakingly beautiful. Her make-up is a little smudged in the corners, her curls are wild, probably a tangled mess. Her cheeks are rosy and her lips look so kissable that you have difficulties to focus on something else. So technically, you want to have mercy with her and just tell her that's okay and that the two of you should get up but all you can do is look at her.

Frozen in time the two of you look at one another, a soft smile curling around your lips. In this very moment your heart decides to spent the day here with her, just the two of you, staring at one another. "Next time though, I'd love to have a blanket and a bed. I think I have a stiff neck from the armrest.", she breaks the silence and smiles at you. Then she stretches a little in front of you, her chest softly pressing against yours, making you aware how close the two of you are and how goddamn attractive you find her.

So, you cough awkwardly and back off of the couch. You need to bring distance between the two of you. Your body is deprived of anything human related and you fear it could get the better of you. Your feet fall off the couch first and soon you are kneeling in front of it. Clarke smiles at you coyly and you have trouble breathing. She sits up a little bit before she leans forward and kisses your cheek. It's quick, nothing extraordinary, logically you know that, but your heart thinks otherwise wildly pumping in your chest. "Merry Christmas, Lex.", she says, her voice still raspy from sleep. Your heart almost leaps out of your chest by the nickname but you can't tell her that. You can't tell her anything you feel. This is not what this is, this is a friendship. That's all there is to it.

But your heart ignores your logical thoughts and just continues to beat wildly.

In a bid to calm down your nerves, feelings, thoughts, whatever the reason is that you can't think straight, you gulp and nod, even if it doesn't make sense. "Merry Christmas.", you return weakly, your heart rate dangerously quick.

As per usual your personal hero comes in to save you. Fish who apparently had either slept until now or had just watched the two of you, jumps in and occupies the spaces between Clarke and you. "Fish...", Clarke calls out, the laughter in her voice apparent. "Merry Christmas to you, too. Of course.", she adds and suddenly you forget your nerves. This is Clarke, the woman you know for 3 months, the woman who became your friend as effortlessly as breathing. You crack a smile when Clarke pulls Fish into a hug and presses his body against hers, resting her chin on his forehead.

"Merry Christmas, Fish.", you say as you lean forward and cradle his head in your hands. You kiss his snout softly and get a lick in return before chancing a glance at Clarke. She holds your gaze and you suddenly feel confidence rushing through you. In the spur of the moment you close the distance between the two of you, placing a kiss softly at the outer corner of her lips. You stay there for a second longer than necessary and when you lean back you can still see the red tinge on her cheeks. "Merry Christmas, Clarke.", you say properly now and all Clarke can do is smile lovingly at you.

"Let's see if we find some Christmas cookies?", you ask, even though you know there won't be any, except dog cookies maybe. Clarke nods, slowly releasing Fish out of her embrace. When you get up from the floor and reach out your hand to help her up, she takes it and for a moment you wonder if emotions aren't all that bad. You wonder, if the two of you, have a chance together. If maybe you could at least try because this feels good. Your heart still hasn't found any proper rhythm yet but you are not sure it ever will in Clarke's presence. "I think, I've got some cookies at my place.", she tells you and all you can do is smile happily. This looks like it will be the best Christmas since a very long time.

________

You were right about the cookies. There are none but there's hot chocolate in Clarke's apartment and a small electronic Christmas tree and it's everything you can ask for. Clarke is currently searching her cabinet for Rum but you just sip carefully from your cup.

"Aha.", Clarke exclaims and holds out the bottle of rum triumphantly. "I knew there was some around.", she unscrews the bottle and pours a fair amount of rum into her cup before she takes a seat at her kitchen table. "When I was a kid, my dad used to make me hot chocolate on Christmas Eve.", she tells you while she looks fondly into her cup. " When I was little I threw a tantrum because I wanted to stay awake and wait for Santa, so my dad just sat me down, made me a hot chocolate and told me stories about him, like how the elves celebrate Christmas and that little elves hang their socks on Christmas Eve as well. He told me that Santa would sit down with every elf and have a hot chocolate with them because Christmas was about family, about being together." She looks up at you and you can't help but smile at her. Her father sounds like a great man, you wish your father would have been like that. Caring and gentle.

"Usually I would fall asleep while listening, my chocolate still half full. From that moment on, it was our tradition. I loved it because at some point my mother would come into the kitchen as well, listening to us talking and imagining the world like Santa saw it."

You softly hold your cup in your hand, carefully blowing at it while you listen to Clarke. It seems like a happy memory but her eyes are distant. You know what she's about to say before you actually hear it. You know the look of someone who had lost a beloved one better than you want to admit. "He died when I was 12, far beyond the point of believing in Santa but still I couldn't stop the tradition. So, whenever Christmas Eve came around, I sat in the kitchen, all by myself, telling stories about elves. My mother never joined me. She still doesn't.", she makes a pause, looking at you thoughtfully.

"Finn never understood it. He found it too dark for a holiday, told me to be more cheerful." She sips from her chocolate while holding eye-contact with you. "But I can't stop, all I see is his smile when he came up with another story about elves or how he looked at me with wide-eyes when I told him that an elf had visited me."

Clarke takes a deep breath, you see her lower lip tremble and you know that she's fighting tears. "I think it's a beautiful tradition.", you say and she looks over to you, surprise in her eyes. "I'm glad you share it with me.", you pause and look at her. She's still hurting, even if the day is long gone, you know there are certain memories that will never stop hurting, no matter how good they are. The feeling of having lost something so magical, leaves behind a scar that will always be strongly visible.

You fill the silence that succumbs the two of you with genuine interest, truly honoured that Clarke considers you important enough to share this part of her with you. "I'm afraid I don't know much about elves. Mind telling me a few stories?"

And just like that the sadness that threatened to overcome her face, vanishes. She still looks sad but more reminiscent. She even smiles warmly at you. Carefully she puts down the cup and looks at you, really looks at you and you don't know what it is that she sees but she seems amazed. The warmth in her eyes completely capturing you. "Did you know that all elves are bald?", she asks you and the smile on her lips deepens.

You laugh, this is the most absurd thing Clarke could have come up with. "They are bold?", you repeat and she nods eagerly. "Yes, that's why they have those tiny hats." You raise an eyebrow at her. "Not because it's cold?", you ask and she shakes her head. "No, elves never feel cold because of all the love they get from the children who believe in them.", you can tell that this is part of a story her father told her. You smile. "Cheesy but it does makes sense."

The two of you fall silent again. Clarke thinking about her father, you thinking about the warmth parents can provide, about how you spent last Christmas and how grateful you are to spent this one with Clarke.

"What about you? Any Christmas traditions?", she asks genuinely interested and you, you can't help but shrug. You consider the question, really consider it, trying to remember Christmas at home. "Well, my parents aren't much into the Christmas spirit. For them Christmas is just any day of the year with the exception that presents are exchanged. The older I got, the bigger the presents became but we never had a tradition, we never ate something special, we never watched movies together, for the most time it was like any other day for me. Only when Costia and I became serious, Christmas became something else for me. Cos always dragged me to the Christmas market, said that for her, Christmas was ice skating, kissing under mistletoes and singing carols."

You remember how you had clung to the side the whole time, unable to actually skate. You remember her amused smile when she helped you up again and how sweetly she kissed you under the mistletoe. You remember her promising you that this would be your Christmas tradition for the rest of your lives. As it turned out, the rest of her life wasn't as long as you had hoped for.

"That sounds nice.", Clarke says, her head propped up in her hand, "How long...", she starts, suddenly unsure if she really wants to ask but seems to decide for it. "How long have you and Costia been together?"

"4 years. We went to the same high school and became friends in sophomore year when I found her in the library crying after a guy had dumped her. I knew of her, how could I not, her being the most popular girl but apparently, she knew me too and soon we found out that we were much more similar than we thought we were. Both equally unable to be who we are." You remember how much Costia had hated that everyone expected from her to be perfect, her grades, her looks, everything. Whenever she did something people didn't approve of, they just pretended it didn't happen. Which was probably why Costia ended up taking drugs without consequences.

You remember how her father had told you to stay away because of your bad influence once Costia had reached the place of no return. At the time you couldn't have cared less, all you needed to do was taking care of Costia.

Clarke gets up, your cups already empty for a while and washes them up. You look at her, watch how her blonde curls move around, how she pushes them back impatiently when they fall into her face and you make a decision.

"Clarke, would you... like to start a Christmas tradition with me?" You know what that entails, what it implies. You want Clarke to be a part of your life for longer than only a few months. You want to get your life together and show her that you can be someone that's worthy of her. She turns around, pushing her hair behind her ear. "You want a tradition with me?", she seems thrown off and you worry that you were too bold. Maybe she's not interested in that kind of thing with you. But you could have sworn, earlier when you woke up on your couch together that there had been a spark.

"Sorry, that was a stupid idea forget that I asked.", you mumble but Clarke just shakes her head. "Don't be.", her voice is surprisingly gentle. "I'd love to have a tradition with you." She looks so soft, so inviting that you want to get up and kiss her. But you can't, so instead so fumble with a thread of your sweater. "Good, good.", you say, nodding even if there's nothing to nod about.

Clarke chuckles and dries her hand on the towel next to her sink before she walks over to you and takes your restless hand in hers. "Come, I've got an idea.", she says, tenderly pulling you up.

You follow without question and she walks you into her living room. She reaches out to her laptop and opens it up without letting go of your hand. You sit down next to her on the couch, your shoulders bumping into one another. With one hand she types something into the address bar and soon enough the intro of 'Home Alone' starts. "I know it's not an exciting Christmas tradition but I thought...", she starts but you just shake your head. "It's perfect.", you interrupt and smile softly at her.

She returns the sentiment and leans in to kiss your cheek before she gently leans against you. Your fingers are still entwined but neither of you seems to mind. You swear you can feel her thumb softly caressing your hand and you can't think of a better Christmas than this.

 


End file.
